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By Irene Kiiza
WEEKLY OBSERVER
Have you ever forced someone to attend an event solely
for your own selfish reasons?
Maybe you have not or you have but just did not notice that
what you were doing was next to coercion.
Whatever it is, many times we make people we relate with
do things they would not want to do and sadly, if they are
the type that does not speak out, those very things make
them leave us or resent us.
This applies not only to spouses, but children, parents,
pastors, friends, colleagues at work, anyone.
True, there is a time for people to leave us but sometimes
they leave prematurely and when we meet them again the feeling
is not warm or nostalgic but awkward.
If you feel awkward it means you have unresolved issues.
And what is more, those issues are usually small things
you could have all along ignored.
Making people attend functions they would not want to attend,
wear clothes that they just do not feel comfortable wearing
or even eat food they detest, are some of the things that
make people avoid mixing with others. In short people who
relate with you find your company uncomfortable, which means
they do not enjoy your company in the least.
I know a woman who insists on going with her husband everywhere,
probably she loves his company, but sometimes they turn
up for purely girl functions and the man has to put up with
female sneers alongside a nagging wife. Although he keeps
saying it is okay, that he will do anything for his wife,
it spells doom. Some day he might get fed up of it all and
decide enough is enough.
Among the misused phrases, “it is okay” is
the commonest in relationships. We say it is okay, but with
a lump in our throats and tears burning our eyelids; probably
because we have been taught to be good, especially to people
that have been good to us.
If you are the type that never puts yourself in other people’s
shoes, it is high time you did. Probably people have been
deserting you because they look at you as a bully or what
others term as ‘toxic’.
Much as you may want people you care for or consider special
to like what you like and hate what you hate, it will not
always be that way. Even people you love and have sacrificed
a lot for have a mind of their own and they certainly will
not agree with you all the time.
A teenager once had constant run-ins with her mother because
they did not seem to agree on the clothes a teenager should
wear. What started like a simple argument about clothes,
resulted into the teenager running away from home and eventually
gave birth to a big wall between mother and daughter.
So what? Well dear wife, if your husband is not into attending
that wedding leave him alone, you can go to it alone. And
if your wife prefers to spend her Friday evening at a fellowship
and not at your bar, let her.
You will be amazed at how much letting people be themselves
will improve your relationships all through.
And toxic people can only be helped if the people around
them are not people pleasers.
The problem is that with many broken relationships more
and more people are unconsciously turning into people pleasers.
What happens then is that if a bully is coupled with a people
pleaser, what they have is not a healthy relationship.
If you are that person that has always found yourself trying
hard to do the right thing, check again, you could be the
people pleaser we are talking about here. And if you already
know you are one, mindpub.com advises that you make amends
immediately to avoid a depression.
If someone does anything or asks you to do something and
you feel negative or are not agreeable it is better you
express your feelings in an understanding way.
According to mindpub.com “Totally suppressed negative
feelings tend to turn into such things as headaches and
sore muscles or into anxiety and depression. But, controlled
expression and tactful confrontation tends to improve relationships.”
If your wife calls you a name that ticks you off, it is
better you tell her what you feel instead of pretending
to be fine when you are burning inside.
“If you’re really upset with someone, the worst
thing you can do to yourself is to try to please him or
her. You don’t have to meet the demands and expectations
of others if they are unreasonable, unrealistic or unfair.
The trouble with being too nice all the time is that you
can’t be yourself at any time. When you can’t
be yourself, at least, for majority of the time, the psychological
and physical tension can wear you out,” mindpub.com
says
So before you find out if your son is a people pleaser,
make it easy on him by not always demanding that you have
your way under all circumstances.
ikiiza@ugandaobserver.com
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